Thursday, December 23, 2010

Where do we go from here?

It concerns me that 2010 is ending. Soon. Very soon.

Or the fact that I haven't written in months. 

A couple of days ago I realized that new things are starting for me at the very beginning of 2011.  I will start my first professional job (at a quite ripe age of 26). I will have to get used to make the most of my day by day to obtain what I want. I too, will need to focus on the final goal of my next 5 year plan.

I don't even have a Christmas gift for mumsie. I'll see what I can get her last minute.

What am I going to do...
I am petrified in starting the new job. Normal I suppose yea?
I know that my goal will be to come back to Canada within 5 years. That's good.
I don't know how I am going to do that. Yet.

What about you? Any resolution yet? Ah, resolution. That word sounds like those extra pounds you never lose. Let's rephrase that, what is your plan to live the 2011?

Friday, October 1, 2010

I Survived 21 Days Without Facebook!


And so I did. And very proud of it. Though it was really not as bad as I thought it would be.

There was only 1 inbox. I guess I know who my real friends are. Or am I judging unjustly?
Of course people commented after my "I'm back from 21 days without FB" status. Then again, I think it's just a stupid thing I did, lol, but it's okay. I happened to enjoyed it. It's like leaving your cellphone/blackberry for the day and finally able to recognize a cute guy had always been looking at you.
Alright, not that exciting.

What I did instead of stalking people and succumb to narcissism?  
Well, I finished 2 books, White Fang by Jack London, and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Now I know how a wolf looks at us as being a weird thing with a club ready to beat the crap out of them, and gained love to the little spoiled wizard. I mean really, Firebolt? From Sirius? *gag* Though I do like the story now compared to when I first saw it. I guess I just dislike over discussed things.

I concentrate on corresponding in other ways like post or email or text messages. It was a fun thing to write on paper again, putting them into an envelope, and actually handwritten the address. I realized whom of my friends I actually have real addresses and email addresses. Which explains much about deeper relationships.

I didn't worry about attractive girls writing on my ex's wall. Nor did I worry about the compulsive behavior to leave comments here and there.
Short to say, it was liberating. I even suggest it! 
I do admit I was really bad in documenting my detox period. Soweeee

Oh, the coffee? didn't work out. Last 3 weeks been busy with morning job interviews. Poor mum didn't want me to lose my head in the interviews and prepared me coffee on the morning of the 11th day. Oh well, another detox time will come.

Cheers!

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Day TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNN!!!!

DAY 10!!!

Without FB and coffee. I really really really really really want my coffee, but for FB, I found that it's not really necessary. I mean, I don't really have the urge to open it. I do miss contacting my friends who most are in Canada. So far I have been texting and emailing them. Wow, it's like I'm back in time when Friendster was not even existed. It'll be nice if I have Hedwig, don't you think?

My last several posts are bland eh? No pictures. Been vewy vewy lazy...

I put one pic here though, it's the book my uncle had brought with him from London. As most English books here are with the price of a rocket launching to the space, I asked him if he can get me some books when he's visiting. Got Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, The Other Boleyn Girl, Jane Austen Book Club and....the Knitting Club?? Should keep me busy for a while. Did I mention I am reading Harry Potter? 3rd one. I never really liked it when it first came out, but now I can see why people are madly in love with the series. 

Favorite line from HP 3, from Ron, "Should I make tea?" "It's what my mum always do whenever somebody is unhappy" LOOOOOL

Uggggggggggggh. Dreading for Tuesday's interview Y________Y

Ooooh! Found a fantastic ciabatta recipe from Kitchen Hack blog. Maybe I will try it soon. Dying to eat real bread. Not those supermarket bread.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Standing Still

I don't know why in my whole life up until now, I never really want anything. I feel disappointed a bit if I don't win something, but that's all. Then I am 26 years old. No job, no direction. A little light however, have appeared.

I do believe now that I will make a great teacher. For once, I am going to give it a full try. I can just imagine a beaming eyes of students dying to learn something new, putting their trust on me. I can do this...I wish there's Jillian Michaels to kick my butt.

In one of the interviews they asked me what my achievements are. My, that was one big TKO.
There is no such thing as too late right? Many people stay in the shadows, they survive. Many people change change careers too. It's difficult, but not impossible.

Well, I am going to give it a try. If I fail, I just need to get back up again. Until somebody out there gives me a chance. I hope when everything is said and done, more is done than said..

---------
Moving onto a lighter topic, DAY 6! Without Facebook and coffee. I hope my lack of motivation to do anything is not because of the two. lol

Can you tell that I am bipolar? It's not a sin. I think it's the new normal.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I. Need. To. Super. Poke.

So, day 4 and 5 continues without Facebook AND coffee.
The need to superpoke itches me... as well as to stalk almost 150 friends I have there. Okay, don't get braggy about having 5000 friends in FB okay? I have 150, even with that I lose contact with most. 
The point is, I miss looking at pictures, at stupid status people post or posting interesting oooorr pathetic status myself. Sigh.

Am entertaining myself with a glass of cold syrup+water with cognac. Wasn't really sure how to drink cognac, never had one before. But this one is a vintage, and I'm loving it. Totally.

Is glancing upon my mum's FB considered cheating?

I WANT MY CAPPUCINOOOO!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

9/11: Whoever you are, where ever you are

Tonight I saw "After the Towers Fell" in Discovery channel. I was covered in chill the whole hour of watching it. It is beyond horrible. 10,000 people died in that eerie day, half were never found. 

How can the planes which struck the top of the buildings had an after effect of pancake destruction of the whole two towers? Yes, I watched Zeitgeist, and it does make me re-think what actually happened that day. Who did it, and why. 

I know most Americans now think that Islam, jihads, Osama bin Laden and all those are evil. But from what I perceived, it's just evil, no religion is involved here. People should realize that. It is the humans. Religion is just a mask. Ask questions, don't just gulp everything you are told. Watch Zeitgeist, it may not hold the real truth, but you may stop blaming the wrong people who've done you no wrong.

All I know, is that who ever did 9/11 and where ever they are, I curse them to have no moment of peace in their life. May they never reincarnate and die of miserable and agonizing pain.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

21 Days Without Facebook





and coffee.

Yes.
I have challenged myself to be FB-free for the next 21 days (make it 19.5 now). To add to that, no favorite instant Torabika Cappucino or any other black gold through my throat.
What have I gotten myself into...?

Here's a glimpse on the past 2.5 days have been:

DAY 1
Barely feeling it. At my late grandma's house, helping parents gardening. Yuck. Have to do a garden cleaning. It looks more of a rain-forest than a garden..
I guess FB is not as addictive as cigarettes.
Right? ...

DAY 2
Still gardening. Ugh, my lazy bum is not up to par with this pot-moving, re-planting, cutting to small pieces, fire ants, and other disgusting insect-like creatures crawling on the ground, leaves and barks. Yuck. Still hate gardening.
Though it looks like a real garden by now. As little as I have contributed to it.
Facebook? What facebook?
Coffee however... growl, snarl and ... lowering my beaten down face to the primordial need for coff-ffeee.
But, no coffee.. not until 19.5 more days.
Forecast of more tea consumption.

DAY 3 (or 2.5, it's still 7 pm as I wrote this)
Hey, I may be famous for this! 21 days without Facebook yow! I mean, who does that? Some loser who has no job and failed to launch perhaps. Uhm wait, that's me.
Aanyway, I decided well. That is, to still have internet. I am insatiable for the need of knowledge, even if it's just to know whether Paul Walker still single or not. Two, I think it's important to channel my needs of attention by still checking my emails and doing this blog.
I sound so pathetic.

to be continued...

Monday, August 2, 2010

Fixing Indonesia


Indonesia is a beautiful archipelago country which is heading to its own destruction. There are so many unsolved problems, be it small or large scale. Everything from lack of clean water, up to mega corruption within all levels in the government; it is an everyday menu. Traffic jams in Jakarta, the so called capital which is caused mainly by overpopulation and very lack of discipline portrays the sad fact that this country is quite a dead end.

Here in the capital, beggars live underneath bridges, and controlled by a mafia who then give them children so that it attracts sympathy from passing cars. Children starting as young as 5 are already told to cup their face on the windows of stopping cars on the traffic light, and beg for money.

Outside the capital, and Java, the development in other provinces and islands is stuck. This results in tremendous amount of people coming and stuff the capital. Most are looking for better living, which of course proven otherwise.

Many of my generation no longer care about how Indonesia will continue. The generation of my parent, is tired of hoping. All of Indonesians are tired, apathetic and doing our best to somehow fight to survive every single passing day.

Taxi drivers, bus drivers, children, beggars, students, low class, middle class, (not sure about upper class, they seem to be fine with their money); All are suffering from a bad government and system. With the addition of cultural and social tensions between ethnics, Indonesia is doomed from the dream of a fine country.

My mother always tell me that things in Indonesia is like a knotted ball of strings. It's almost impossible to loosen the ball, and every centimeter is connected to the next. Every time you try to fix a problem here, it leads to many other problems. An example is when you try to fix traffic jam by reducing newcomers to then reduce riders. They will accuse you for being discriminating. They will tell you that there is no money in other provinces, that is why they're here. So, now you are faced with the development of other provinces. And the final bang is that the government will not issue money for that. They will claim that they do, but what they really care is their own pockets.

Another example is if you try to reduce the whole population by introducing birth control methods. Say you are introducing the birth control pills. You can even make it free (ideally speaking). You will be faced with the problem of finding the necessary human resources that can tell many Indonesian women who are far from educated, on why and how they need to take these pills. It does not end there. The next challenge then, is how you can control these trusted people of yours to keep monitoring the spread of the pills efficiently.

The two examples may seem workable for you, however, this is Indonesia. Things are different here. But somehow, we live on. I do admit, it's quite remarkable.

My last point will be, how bad exactly do Indonesians want to help themselves? They complain, I complain, but what exactly real things that we can do ? If they want traffic jams to be reduced, then they need to start being discipline on roads. If we don't want dirty environment, then we need to stop being litter bugs. I can give many more things to do, but the idea here is that somebody, somewhere has to start doing something. Even when it looks very small. Remember the old Indonesian saying, "Sedikit demi sedikit, lama-lama menjadi gunung" (slowly, little by little you can make a mountain).

Picture from Arezeo


Thursday, July 29, 2010

Moving on is never easy


What makes us hold on to memories too tight?

I have been clutching memories of my former lover, whom I still dearly loved. As cliche as this sounds, there's not been a day I have not think of him. That's not good...
A good friend told me,
"memories are funny things and easily altered by distance and time. It can be bewitching and invasive. They can even be tyrants..."
Her point is, not to let it rule my present..

But why is it so hard. Letting go and moving on, both goes hand in hand yet most people especially me, finding it painful.. very painful..

I can't keep saying "I miss you"s. Because I don't want to be this weight dragging behind him, preventing him to move on..

But I can tell you: I miss him.

Beautiful picture from Jonas' At Twilight blog.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I wonder when


I have just seen the Japanese movie Hachi-ko Monogatari.
It reminds me how badly I want to visit the Sakura country. However, the reality bites my derrierre with ehem, no money.

Let's imagine. When I have enough money, what should I do? Should I just go right then? Or should I just settle down, buy a house first, and other things, then go?
Have I told you that I don't like dealing with decision making? Alas, life is full of it, lol.

Gah.
I think I will just go right when I have the money, with a bit of extra of course. Since I do need something to come back to, ^_^
You never know what can happen. What if the next week after I get the money I die? Right?
That's settled then! I will go to Japan as soon as I have enough money to do a trip, spend some on food and omiyage.

Sweet.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Working with what you have


We have what we have now. It sucks at some point, but there's not much you can do at the moment.
Because really, what's real is now.

Dad has to work to feed his family, mum and me; now that I am back in the house, still looking for a job. Mum has to deal with looking after an ageing husband (whom still denying the process), and a daughter who's yet to find a job. Myself, I have to work with finding a job with a degree that I can't seem to use.

It's amazing how much we have to become in this life, in the society. What measures you as you? Coming from self, of course each of us has our own idea of success, of happiness. Medals, awards, academic titles, cellulite free body,... all of those is just never me. I am getting tired of never going to be good enough.

I always thought about it. If having a child is so much of uncertainty, why having them? If economy is bad 10 years, 20 years or 30 years ahead, won't you be in a trouble for having a family? Children didn't ask to be born. But they're brought to life anyway, and have to deal with it. In the end, we got used to the idea of working with life.



Monday, July 26, 2010

I wanna grow old with you


This is probably the question that comes up so often you're tired of hearing it. I am too, but I can never let the discussion go.

"What makes a person choose to live the rest of their live with that one other person?"

I was in the car with my parents going to a wedding. Then out of nowhere I started humming "I wanna grow old with you, I wanna die lying in your arms" by Westlife. Other than the fact that I was humming such old crap from a cheesy boyband whom I still dearly loved, I came to the realization of the complex thing called love.
The radio magically played a Westlife song, "Over seas and coast to coast, to find the place I love the most; where the fields are green, to see you once again, my love."
Oh dear...

I used to not believe in love. Or men. Or long term relationships. I was proudly saying aloud; Live without men! They only make you weak. Phew, such a radical feminist I was!
Then I met a boy. A boy who made me realized I am capable of loving and so much more. But then life separated us, and here I am, alone again and tempted to go back to where I was; not in need of a man. Too much hassle and pain involved, from what I vividly see everyday.

So, hearing these love songs really does the crossbow-ing of the heart. It reminds me how fragile things called love is. Then it shoves me into the reality of marriage/long-term relationship. How many couples in this world actually stay together until the day they die? How many of them actually hold hands in goodness and bad? How many actually grow together and finally rest in peace together?

In reality, what if we're not meant to be monogamous? Maybe that's why so many men cheats? Dealing with the evolution fact that defend the spread of the seeds.
It all started with loving, caring, and surprises. Then it became boredom and just a habit. I am frustrated in thinking how hard it is to be together...

Then Shania Twain came along with her song, "I can see you with me when I'm older. All my lonely nights are finally over. You took the weight of the world off my shoulder, when you kiss me"
Not really the right song :(

The term I can see you with me when I'm older; seems so unnatural. The only thing that matters and real is now. The present, the right second that we're in! How do you know the future? You don't. Thing change...
I've seen how a couple photographed so lovingly in their wedding day, 30 years later photographed inches away from each other. I've heard how couples fight for things that they didn't years back. I've seen them grow apart instead of grow together.

Today, I think it's fair to blame it on poetic words and sappy love songs.
I also wish that philosophy deals more with the cliche and complex entity called feelings of love.
Maybe then, we'll be able to make reason of our heart.