Moving on is never easy

What makes us hold on to memories too tight?

I have been clutching memories of my former lover, whom I still dearly loved. As cliche as this sounds, there's not been a day I have not think of him. That's not good...

A good friend told me,

"memories are funny things and easily altered by distance and time. It can be bewitching and invasive. They can even be tyrants..."

Her point is, not to let it rule my present..

But why is it so hard. Letting go and moving on, both goes hand in hand yet most people especially me, finding it painful.. very painful..

I can't keep saying "I miss you"s. Because I don't want to be this weight dragging behind him, preventing him to move on..

But I can tell you: I miss him.

Beautiful picture from Jonas' At Twilight blog.

I wonder when

I have just seen the Japanese movie Hachi-ko Monogatari.

It reminds me how badly I want to visit the Sakura country. However, the reality bites my derrierre with ehem, no money.

Let's imagine. When I have enough money, what should I do? Should I just go right then? Or should I just settle down, buy a house first, and other things, then go?

Have I told you that I don't like dealing with decision making? Alas, life is full of it, lol.

Gah.

I think I will just go right when I have the money, with a bit of extra of course. Since I do need something to come back to, ^_^

You never know what can happen. What if the next week after I get the money I die? Right?

That's settled then! I will go to Japan as soon as I have enough money to do a trip, spend some on food and omiyage.

Sweet.

Working with what you have

We have what we have now. It sucks at some point, but there's not much you can do at the moment.

Because really, what's real is now.

Dad has to work to feed his family, mum and me; now that I am back in the house, still looking for a job. Mum has to deal with looking after an ageing husband (whom still denying the process), and a daughter who's yet to find a job. Myself, I have to work with finding a job with a degree that I can't seem to use.

It's amazing how much we have to become in this life, in the society. What measures you as you? Coming from self, of course each of us has our own idea of success, of happiness. Medals, awards, academic titles, cellulite free body,... all of those is just never me. I am getting tired of never going to be good enough.

I always thought about it. If having a child is so much of uncertainty, why having them? If economy is bad 10 years, 20 years or 30 years ahead, won't you be in a trouble for having a family? Children didn't ask to be born. But they're brought to life anyway, and have to deal with it. In the end, we got used to the idea of working with life.

I wanna grow old with you

This is probably the question that comes up so often you're tired of hearing it. I am too, but I can never let the discussion go.

"What makes a person choose to live the rest of their live with that one other person?"

I was in the car with my parents going to a wedding. Then out of nowhere I started humming "I wanna grow old with you, I wanna die lying in your arms" by Westlife. Other than the fact that I was humming such old crap from a cheesy boyband whom I still dearly loved, I came to the realization of the complex thing called love.

The radio magically played a Westlife song, "Over seas and coast to coast, to find the place I love the most; where the fields are green, to see you once again, my love."

Oh dear...

I used to not believe in love. Or men. Or long term relationships. I was proudly saying aloud; Live without men! They only make you weak. Phew, such a radical feminist I was!

Then I met a boy. A boy who made me realized I am capable of loving and so much more. But then life separated us, and here I am, alone again and tempted to go back to where I was; not in need of a man. Too much hassle and pain involved, from what I vividly see everyday.

So, hearing these love songs really does the crossbow-ing of the heart. It reminds me how fragile things called love is. Then it shoves me into the reality of marriage/long-term relationship. How many couples in this world actually stay together until the day they die? How many of them actually hold hands in goodness and bad? How many actually grow together and finally rest in peace together?

In reality, what if we're not meant to be monogamous? Maybe that's why so many men cheats? Dealing with the evolution fact that defend the spread of the seeds.

It all started with loving, caring, and surprises. Then it became boredom and just a habit. I am frustrated in thinking how hard it is to be together...

Then Shania Twain came along with her song, "I can see you with me when I'm older. All my lonely nights are finally over. You took the weight of the world off my shoulder, when you kiss me"

Not really the right song :(

The term I can see you with me when I'm older; seems so unnatural. The only thing that matters and real is now. The present, the right second that we're in! How do you know the future? You don't. Thing change...

I've seen how a couple photographed so lovingly in their wedding day, 30 years later photographed inches away from each other. I've heard how couples fight for things that they didn't years back. I've seen them grow apart instead of grow together.

Today, I think it's fair to blame it on poetic words and sappy love songs.

I also wish that philosophy deals more with the cliche and complex entity called feelings of love.

Maybe then, we'll be able to make reason of our heart.